Well, it's official, on Friday I turned 49. There is no shame in anyone knowing my age as I view it more as an accomplishment. Not to mention that people knowing how old I am doesn't change anything. The last 2 years we have gone camping for my birthday because if I don't tell my family that's what I want to do for my birthday then I don't get to go camping for another year at least. So we go camping and I usually enjoy it tremendously, this year being no exception. The day of my birthday is hit or miss, but the camping trip on the whole is usually pretty awesome. This year I was feeling proud because I've lost over 40 pounds and am working on a more positive perspective (which I believe I am succeeding at.) This year my birthday day was hard because I was hormonal and only got about 2 hours sleep the night before. Everything seemed to be going wrong. I struggled with breakfast, made my husband mad by accident and didn't get to do anything I had planned on or wanted to do that day. I could have then cried, felt sorry for myself and ate myself silly... ok, well I did eat myself silly... but I chose to see the beauty around me, not just in the nature that was my physical surroundings but in the beauty of the love of my family and friend. I allowed myself to cheat the whole trip (more on that later,) and my family surprised me with gifts that I didn't expect at all. Not just a gift but things they'd seen me admire in a store and not buy for myself... I was blown away. I also got a surprise in the mail from my mother and her husband that I'd brought along and it was something I will definitely enjoy using! So thoughtful, generous and unexpected! I have 2 relatively new friends that texted me and remembered it was my birthday and that made me feel cared about. I enjoyed my angel food cake and whipped cream (with extras: hot fudge & caramel sauce) and sitting around the campfire laughing and teasing each other. Listening to the water lapping the shore of the lake and looking up at the stars of which there were so many more than usual. ;) 
The next day, was fantastic. I spent 3 hours enjoying the lake in my kayak with my husband. All the meals went smoothly, and the weather the entire weekend was the best we've ever had while camping! Warm but not too hot, not raining and only cold at night around the campfire with hoodies, blankets and roasted marshmallows. My birthday wasn't what I had planned, but it was full of love, and beauty (both seen and felt.) The following day as I started my 50th year of life I realized I have finally started living. I have finally learned to try to appreciate the good and let the bad go. I've started prioritizing moments, making memories, spreading smiles and feeling at peace. I feel like I am achieving the things I'm setting out to do and getting what I've wanted for myself and that is something that many people never achieve. Memories with the ones you love are so much more valuable than collecting things. No one is going to remember your clothes, craft supplies or your toys and furniture.... they will remember things you've said that impacted them, funny things that happened WITH you and the way that they felt AROUND you. I wanted things for myself that I didn't realize I'd wanted, and these things that I am putting into my life like positivity, rejoicing in the silver lining of each struggle and seeing the beauty in the moments I share with people not just in the physical beauty of life, but the blessings that you can't hold in your hand, but in your heart, have brought me a new sense of happiness. I didn't realize I could change myself so much or the way I perceive things. I didn't realize I wasn't as happy as I could be. My greatest gift are the people who care about me and show me with their actions. Actions like giving me their time, knowing me, showing me love... not just with words but with smiles, laughter, hugs and presence. (yes, that is spelled correctly.) It's an incredible thing to feel like you make a difference to people and you're worth all the struggles of your past and your self improvements are acknowledged and appreciated. There are no words to explain how incredibly blessed I feel.
OK, with regard to the eating thing (*eye-roll*) I was ridiculous for 4 days and gained 6.6 pounds back. Am I bummed? NOPE. Here's why... In the past something like this would derail my success and send me plummeting back into apathy. I knew this time would come and this time it would have to be different and what would have to be different would be that I have to continually care and be careful about my health. I haven't had more than 2-3 cheat days in 4 months. I know that I will have days that will be "cheat" (party) days and I've assigned those as follows: Valentines Day, Easter, my anniversary, Mothers Day (maybe), 4th of July, my birthday, Halloween (I LOVE candy!), Thanksgiving, Christmas and maybe New Years Eve. If I have been maintaining my positive eating habits then I deserve to loosen up on "special days" like everyone else. I have got to learn to discipline myself into caring about myself even after I gain a little weight back from a celebratory camping trip or a holiday. It will be easier to forgive myself and get back on the wagon if I only have to correct approximately 5 pounds instead of re-losing 50-60 as in the past. If this time is to be different, then today is where the difference starts. Today is where I show myself that I have what it takes to maintain my success. Today, the improvements show. Today I will rise above. I will continue to improve MY life.
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