Being Strong Despite Insecurities.

I've had a rough week.  I finally and briefly talked to someone I hardly ever get to talk to.  She said that we
can't talk about our issues because she "is not strong enough."  She's working through some stuff and I was thinking that I was going to write a blog post on "how I stay strong" with the hope that maybe it could help her and others...but do I? Am I strong? Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not.  Plenty of people in my life tell me that they are amazed at how strong I am, especially those who know my past, but sometimes I don't feel strong.  I think I'm just like everyone else, we all have good days and bad days.  Sometimes I blame my own negative feelings about myself on others, how is that fair!?!  Now I am trying to recognize when I'm doing things like this and change my perspective.  To realize that I am pretty amazing, and that I am responsible for MY feelings and no one is obligated to make me feel good about myself.  No one is even obligated to like me, and no one is going to be liked by everyone, so if someone doesn't like me, that's okay.  It doesn't mean there is something wrong with me, it simply means that we weren't meant to be friends. No biggie right?  We all get our feelings hurt, but we let go and move on to better things.  What's more important is that I am my own friend.  Don't be an enemy to yourself, or you're setting yourself up for consistent disappointment.

Now, what do I mean by "strong?"  Strong willed?  Strong minded?  Strong heart and/or strong body? Strong because I have overcome, strong because I try not to let people see me cry?  Strong because I can forgo temptation in order to reach a goal, or strong because I can tolerate a lot?  I guess when I say "strong" I mean all of these things and more.

When asked, how do I stay so strong what would I answer?  Well, the first thing that comes to mind is not to  dwell on negativity, being positive is a sign of a healthy mind and healthy is strong.  Strong people are supposed to be happy and negative people are not happy so step one is to make yourself a more positive person. If you like to think yourself a "realist" instead of a pessimist then try some of the following strategies.    Look for a silver lining in every complaint or negative thought that crosses your mind. For example: the other day while hiking I thought, "Gosh this Chapstick with sunscreen leaves an awful taste in my mouth, can't they create one that doesn't do that?  I mean we put a man on the moon for heavens sake!"  Then I heard myself and thought, "Hey Lady, your lips aren't getting sunburned!  Be happy about that!"  Secondly, surround yourself with strong people, spend time building friendships with people who are happy.  Laugh off the little things and try not to make them into bigger things than they need to be.  Let go of things that don't make you smile.  Third, let go of the need for control over everything.  You should only need to control yourself... self control and the ability to let go of what you shouldn't want to control is strength.  Furthermore, convince yourself by both your thoughts and your actions that you are strong.  Let your will and determination show that you are strong, not only show others, but also show yourself!  Next, exercise to relieve stress and anxiety.  Find peace.  Sometimes removing yourself from certain situations, in my case, going to a peaceful place in nature helps me refocus on being who I want to be.  Another thing to build strength in every aspect of your life is to be healthy... healthy is strong.  Strengthen your mind by spending time reading things that motivate and inspire you.  Think of (visualize) yourself as strong and let your words and actions reflect that. Try only saying things that reflect your strength and only doing things that make you feel strong. Independent actions, doing something for yourself to improve your self image like taking a class, joining a gym, going to a new "club" or buying yourself something that will motivate you should be done without hesitation, you don't need permission you only need to be considerate to family and housemates.  If you are making a choice that makes you feel better about yourself and makes you a better person then your family and friends should be supportive of that decision.

Let go of the need for the approval of others, let go of the need to be with others and to have the love and attention and affection of others.  Learn to be independent.  This does not mean get a divorce and rent an apartment of your own.  I mean that you should be happy spending time with yourself and be okay if your spouse or significant other is having fun doing something without you!  Spending time apart allows you something to share when it's time to spend time together, so you don't run out of things to tell each other.  Life gets old when all you talk about is responsibilities.  Life also gets old if you're constantly needing validation and affection from others.  Time alone can be valuable for soul searching and self improvement which leads to a feeling of independence which leads to strength.  Things to ask yourself honestly, because let's face it, there's no use arguing about it... this is between you and you only.  If you are the best you an be, if you have integrity, if you give up what you want for what's right, you are showing a great deal of strength.  If you are working hard to better yourself and reach goals, that is proof of strength.

True Weakness:  If you know you're making a wrong choice because you want something, you will feel selfish and guilty, and that is what weak people do... they aren't strong enough to stand up for what's right.  They make excuses and twist situations to convince themselves that their choices are acceptable.  Also, using or manipulating others shows weakness because it is the inability to get what you need on your own.  If you have to push others down in order to elevate yourself or get revenge to feel satisfied, you are choosing to be a weakling. If you think that this is who you are, then you can consciously make changes to improve yourself as a person and I assure you that if you do, you will be happier with yourself.

Lifting others makes you strong just like lifting weights makes your body strong.  Letting things go isn't easy,
it takes strength of will.  Resisting temptation takes strength of will and we are all capable of that strength, it's a matter of how badly we want to be better people.  How strong do we want to be?  If we are strong we should want goodness and happiness for others.  Have faith in karma, let things go.   Be kind.

I was insecure for an hour or two yesterday, then I remembered who I am, who I choose to be, who I am
working to be.  I am working to become someone I can be proud of, someone who is a mature adult and who is strong in all the ways that we all want to be strong.  Sometimes it's the mirror that makes us insecure, sometimes it's depression or even someone's flip comment.  It can be something you see as a personal failure or even just an empty place where you feel you are lacking something.  Insecurity takes hold with a number or triggers.  We all measure ourselves against the highest standards, we expect others to see all of our flaws no matter how hidden we try to keep them because we feel bad about them.  Our looks, our finances, our friends, our behaviors, our possessions... if we aren't perfect, then we think that we aren't good enough.  We are always focused on the flaws.  Make this time is different, I choose to change who I am and how I think and therefore how I feel.  Mentally and emotionally we all have tough days, but it's how we rise after we fall that shows us who we really are, what we are really made of. That is what we have to either be proud of or embarrassed by, but you have not failed entirely until you have failed to keep trying.  For myself, when I do something I might be ashamed of, I try to reconcile it by doing something nice to counteract it.  I change my perspective, and then I might send a kind note to someone, text words of encouragement and support.  I might make a gift, a baked treat for someone and if necessary, always admit when you're wrong even if it's just to yourself, and find a way to be better next time.  Admitting your mistakes shows strength.

Sometimes there are too many days when I feel like I look like an old washed up woman, fat, saggy, wrinkled... like my best days are behind me.  I get irritable because I'm tired or hormonal and then I get down on myself because I think, not only am I no longer young and beautiful, but I'm not even fun to be around.  There's no amount of makeup or dye or voluminous hair product that will make me younger and no amount of money or diet food that will make me happier and more fun to be around.  ... that's all on me.  I'm responsible for my actions.  I'm the master of my life.  I'm in charge of the person that I choose to be.

There are days when my hormones take over and I regress to a teenage drama queen in my mind and I have to "get a grip" on myself so to speak.  I've come home crying from many an event feeling like I was ridiculed silently by friends or family because I talk to much, or I'm redundant, I feel dorky and unwanted and unappreciated and unloved.  I feel I've embarrassed myself and the wallowing begins.  Time for an old fashioned pity party and self loathing session.  Those are the days my husband, who is my biggest fan and truly my best friend says to me, "Fuck 'em."  Really all we should expect of ourselves is what we expect from others and that is that they try their best to be the best they can be.  If they, our loved ones, have flaws, we overlook them because we love so much more about them.  What we regret to remember is that they do the same for us... and if they don't, ...then "fuck 'em."  We need to pull ourselves out of the self loathing pity parties and instead of focusing on all that we aren't... we should be focusing on all that we are and all that we have to give.

When you do something right... give yourself an "atta girl,"  pat yourself metaphorically on the back and smile at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "you did something right! Good for you!"  After all, our own approval, truly, is sometimes the hardest to get.

The bottom line is that we should all work to improve ourselves by overcoming our insecurities and strengthening our positive qualities so that we have the very best of ourselves to give to others.  Be kind to others and to yourself, be your own friend and love yourself... it will make you feel like a superhero!

Living in the Present

I was going to entitle this post: "Outdoor Adventures of a Scaredy-cat,"  However, it's really about learning
to live life to the fullest in each moment. Lets face it, I understand as much as anyone that sometimes you just need some time to veg on the couch or cry until your hormones level out, but generally people don't regret finding the motivation to get up off the couch or out of bed to make memories.  Good or bad, we learn from our experiences and we look back and laugh on both pleasant and unpleasant experiences.  It's no fun to attend a gathering where everyone is talking about the memories they have together when you are not part of those memories.  Memories are what we leave behind with those we love.  Those family and friends that we don't have many memories with are likely to consider us more of an acquaintance, they're not going to remember much of us when we are gone and therefore we won't be much missed.  There is great value in making memories.

When I was a young woman, I never wanted to spend money on having experiences.  Much like my father
and brother I generally experienced what I felt that I needed at home.  However, as my children became grown I realized that one of my biggest regrets was that I didn't' do more with them.  Now I am almost an empty nester, and I am starting to live a little more and hide a little less.  Now that I am getting fit and feeling

better about myself, now that I have more energy I am a lot more motivated to plan things and stick to them.  I love the meetup group I belong to, and look forward to planning an outing with them at least 2-3 times weekly.  I feel like I have made a life for myself and it makes "a more active lifestyle" less of an effort.

One of my issues is that I love being outside in nature but I'm definitely a scaredy cat.  Possibly because I over think things, and possibly because I think things through realistically.  I am in no way an adrenaline junkie or a thrill seeker.  I am afraid of cougars, bears, wolves, snakes etc.  I am afraid of falling and hurting myself.  Most of the time I feel like I'm the only one in my circle that has these active fears even though I rarely voice them, they are definitely part of my consciousness.  I really don't know and wonder if it's a good thing, or a bad thing.  I often watch people doing things on tv and wonder if they are just very brave or if they don't think things through very well.  I want to have excitement, not fear.  That being said, I do the things that I enjoy doing and just take all the precautions that I am able to stay safe, but I still try to step outside my comfort zone and enjoy life and life has improved so much since I've done just that.

Another big issue is laziness.  I get tired.  I don't "feel like it."  I see going and doing things as more trouble than it's worth.  Yet, the more I sit on the couch and watch television, the more I feel like I'm invisible, forgotten and worthless.  I deserve to be posting the same things on fb that my friends are.  I don't want social media to be my whole social life.  So I get up early and drag my butt out of bed knowing I'll see people and enjoy myself once I get out there.  If I do something active like kayak or hike, then I generally don't have to go to the gym and that is a plus!  No one "visits" at the gym!  I never regret going out and doing things to have fun once I do them.... it's just dragging my lazy butt off the couch to go get ready and that's a pretty small obstacle in the grand scheme of things.

Most people blame being broke either financially or physically.  I live payday to payday as well... but you can't take it with you. It's worth it because as I said memories are valuable both to us and those we share them with.  It doesn't cost much to rent a kayak ($12/hr.) or save up and get a bike, or spend your tax return on camping equipment.  Joining "Fun Runs" is usually only about $25/person and once you've registered it's more motivating to get out and do it!  It seems like I always run into friends when my daughter and I do those together!  Hiking is free and you can certainly buy equipment a little at a time especially if you are hiking for one afternoon with a group of people.  Rollerskating, dancing, bowling, pee-wee/putt putt golf, are all generally pretty cheap, planning a picnic at the park is almost free and all you need is food and a Frisbee! Archery, disc golf, even street festivals and craft fairs in your area. If you have injuries I'm sure there is something you can do.... bad knees?  Find a local swimming pool! #noexcuses!

Some of us are just shy, we have our insecurities.  I am not shy at all... but I have a lot of insecurities about myself.  I think people don't want to hang out with me because I talk a lot and I don't want to call and bother people.  I also am afraid I'll be rejected, but this is how you find out who your true life-long friends are!  Maybe the people that you enjoy are sitting home thinking they wish someone like you would call and invite them to go do something.  What if they are wishing they had pictures with friends to post on social media.  What if they don't feel like they are worth the effort and they don't want to be a bother.  What if you call someone and make their day?  What's the worst that could happen? Is it really worth not doing anything and just hiding in a dark hole watching make-believe stories on television.

No one regrets going out to have fun.  So make at least one day a week a day when you go do something fun.  Live in the moment, don't just exist.  Celebrate what your body CAN do!  Plan something with people and MAKE IT HAPPEN!  Don't waste time! Tomorrow is not promised, not only for you... but for all those you love and care for.  Make cookies for someone, go visit them. #noregrets!

It will be worth it I assure you when you're going through pictures on New Years Eve from the past year and you're seeing all that you enjoyed.  Make sure that you don't just have texts to look back on! The pictures included here are all from this year except the one with me and the horse... which simply reminds me I gotta get back to that SOON!  I'm grateful (especially to my daughter, Emma Pi, for making my life better, for appreciating me and loving me and being there for me.  Also, to the man whose soul is one with mine (below.)  He brings me more joy and peace than he could ever imgine, you're all just lucky that I'm not so corny I can't shut up about my love life! (you're welcome... I'm a grown-up.) So this is how my year is going, I have a visual record and a heart that's full.  So get outside, get a little crazy, laugh, love, be kind... live.

My Birthday and my life an "unplanned topic"

Well, it's official, on Friday I turned 49.  There is no shame in anyone knowing my age as I view it more as an accomplishment. Not to mention that people knowing how old I am doesn't change anything.  The last 2 years we have gone camping for my birthday because if I don't tell my family that's what I want to do for my birthday then I don't get to go camping for another year at least.  So we go camping and I usually enjoy it tremendously, this year being no exception.  The day of my birthday is hit or miss, but the camping trip on the whole is usually pretty awesome.  This year I was feeling proud because I've lost over 40 pounds and am working on a more positive perspective (which I believe I am succeeding at.)  This year my birthday day was hard because I was hormonal and only got about 2 hours sleep the night before.  Everything seemed to be going wrong.  I struggled with breakfast, made my husband mad by accident and didn't get to do anything I had planned on or wanted to do that day.  I could have then cried, felt sorry for myself and ate myself silly... ok, well I did eat myself silly... but I chose to see the beauty around me, not just in the nature that was my physical surroundings but in the beauty of the love of my family and friend.  I allowed myself to cheat the whole trip (more on that later,) and my family surprised me with gifts that I didn't expect at all.  Not just a gift but things they'd seen me admire in a store and not buy for myself...  I was blown away.  I also got a surprise in the mail from my mother and her husband that I'd brought along and it was something I will definitely enjoy using! So thoughtful, generous and unexpected!  I have 2 relatively new friends that texted me and remembered it was my birthday and that made me feel cared about. I enjoyed my angel food cake and whipped cream (with extras: hot fudge & caramel sauce) and sitting around the campfire laughing and teasing each other.  Listening to the water lapping the shore of the lake and looking up at the stars of which there were so many more than usual.  ;)

The next day, was fantastic.  I spent 3 hours enjoying the lake in my kayak with my husband.  All the meals went smoothly, and the weather the entire weekend was the best we've ever had while camping!  Warm but not too hot, not raining and only cold at night around the campfire with hoodies, blankets and roasted marshmallows.  My birthday wasn't what I had planned, but it was full of love, and beauty (both seen and felt.) The following day as I started my 50th year of life I realized I have finally started living.  I have finally learned to try to appreciate the good and let the bad go.  I've started prioritizing moments, making memories, spreading smiles and feeling at peace.  I feel like I am achieving the things I'm setting out to do and getting what I've wanted for myself and that is something that many people never achieve. Memories with the ones you love are so much more valuable than collecting things.  No one is going to remember your clothes, craft supplies or your toys and furniture.... they will remember things you've said that impacted them, funny things that happened WITH you and the way that they felt AROUND you.  I wanted things for myself that I didn't realize I'd wanted, and these things that I am putting into my life like positivity, rejoicing in the silver lining of each struggle and seeing the beauty in the moments I share with people not just in the physical beauty of life, but the blessings that you can't hold in your hand, but  in your heart, have brought me a new sense of happiness.  I didn't realize I could change myself so much or the way I perceive things.  I didn't realize I wasn't as happy as I could be.  My greatest gift are the people who care about me and show me with their actions. Actions like giving me their time, knowing me, showing me love... not just with words but with smiles, laughter, hugs and presence. (yes, that is spelled correctly.) It's an incredible thing to feel like you make a difference to people and you're worth all the struggles of your past and your self improvements are acknowledged and appreciated.  There are no words to explain how incredibly blessed I feel.

OK, with regard to the eating thing (*eye-roll*) I was ridiculous for 4 days and gained 6.6 pounds back. Am I bummed? NOPE.  Here's why... In the past something like this would derail my success and send me plummeting back into apathy.  I knew this time would come and this time it would have to be different and what would have to be different would be that I have to continually care and be careful about my health.  I haven't had more than 2-3 cheat days in 4 months.  I know that I will have days that will be "cheat" (party) days and I've assigned those as follows:  Valentines Day, Easter, my anniversary, Mothers Day (maybe), 4th of July, my birthday, Halloween (I LOVE candy!), Thanksgiving, Christmas and maybe New Years Eve.  If I have been maintaining my positive eating habits then I deserve to loosen up on "special days" like everyone else.  I have got to learn to discipline myself into caring about myself even after I gain a little weight back from a celebratory camping trip or a holiday.  It will be easier to forgive myself and get back on the wagon if I only have to correct approximately 5 pounds instead of re-losing 50-60 as in the past.  If this time is to be different, then today is where the difference starts.  Today is where I show myself that I have what it takes to maintain my success.  Today, the improvements show.  Today I will rise above. I will continue to improve MY life.

Staying Positive

The news... how anyone can watch the news or read the paper and still have hope for humanity seems

almost impossible.  The media works to get people all riled up over controversial issues and lets face it there's a lot of crappy stuff going on.  Remember though it's like stories about the dentist... people don't volunteer positive stories where everything went well.  People only seem to remember and reiterate the horror stories!  Then there is grief: you've lost someone dear to you or you lost someone that you wanted to spend more time with and get closer to, and now you can't. You've lost time... that's a popular source of negativity, regret.  Grieving over lost youth, what could have been.  In addition, we have heartbreak:  people whom you love don't understand you, or they misunderstand you.  People you care about giving up on you, moving on without you... not needing you when you want to feel needed, after all you can't be there for someone if they don't need you.  Disappointments and stress can totally take you to a dark place.  Sometimes it seems like every little thing is going wrong and it's all your fault... you can't do anything right.  Negative views of the world often stem from negative views of ourselves.  Maybe you think you've been a lousy, second rate parent.  Maybe you are cynical and focus on the fact that some things suck and you can't change that.  Maybe you feel like you haven't accomplished as much as you would have liked. You get down on yourself and then you get down on yourself for being down!  Frustration is rampant in our lives with the value people put on money and living beyond their means.  Some of us just can't manage to keep up with the Jones' or simply keep up with the bills for that matter.  It always seems like there is something that stands in our way of getting what we want.  Whenever a little money is saved, something breaks down and needs to be replaced.  It's hard to stay positive when these things happen, especially when several happen in a short span of time.  You may  feel like you will never get ahead, or you'll never reach your dream of security. Some people just want it all.

Here's the thing... YOU ARE IN CHARGE!  You can change anything you want to, and if it's something that can't possibly be changed then let it go!  If you're broke, come to the realization that money isn't everything and some of the poorest people on the planet have lots of money, while some of the richest people have little to no money at all.  If people that you love have walked out of your life... let them go. Love them, pray for them (or wish them well, whatever your tendency) and free them.  Give them the gift of not having you in their life if that is what they desire, so that they might learn and possibly find their way back to you...but if not, then you're better off without them and you have learned.  You don't need people that aren't smart enough to want you.

Here are some strategies that may help you to stop and re think your perspective. Things you can do to re-center yourself or prioritize...

1. collecting positive memes. (I've said this before but it is good for so many things!)
2. writing every morning in a notebook something positive that you are feeling to start the day.
3. smiling and thinking about how each situation that comes up and causes you stress has a silver lining and what that could be... even if it's "I could have gotten deathly ill today and I didn't," or "I didn't get maimed in an accident today."
4. celebrating someone you care about in some way ie: birthday, wedding, new house, friendship anniversary, baby, etc. even "just because I love that you're my friend."
5.  Help try to cheer someone up or make someone happier in their day, this is HUGE! When you are convincing someone else to look at the bright side you are training yourself to do the same thing.
6. praying or meditating on your blessings and all you have to be thankful for.
7. Make a list of things you can look forward to and the objectives you need to accomplish to obtain them.
8. Look around you and never forget that things can always be worse, there are so many less fortunate people who are far worse off.
9. Get up and exercise and if possible... do it outside surrounded by nature!  A little quiet time alone in nature can improve our perspective and bring peace to your soul. Exercise releases feel good chemicals in your brain that improve mood and with a little personal effort... outlook.
10. Keep in mind things that sabotage your good mood, such as negative people, hormonal changes, etc and do what needs to be done to avoid those things. (If it's hormonal changes... it will pass, eat well, exercise and give it a week.)

Remember every mistake is a learning opportunity.  Change is not always a bad thing.  Empower yourself... remember everything you've come through and accomplished, everything that you have survived keeping in mind that all of that has made you stronger.

Lastly, if you need help because you are depressed and you just can't get yourself out of the rut you are in... seek help.  There is no shame in that!  Everyone needs help sometimes and getting help to improve yourself is being proactive and working to improve what needs to be improved... and that is to be commended.  Nothing profound here... just a reminder that if you try to be a more positive person, it will only bring more happiness into your life! Heed the following quote:

"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit."  -- Helen Keller.

Bad Days...

I've been struggling with which of the many blog topics I should write about.  I have illness, parents, children, insecurities, family, conflict, etc... All of which I feel I need to do a little research on.  I have ideas, but not enough to publish anything substantial, nor do I feel like I have enough time on my hands to . However lately I feel like I have quite a bit of experience with "bad days," or "rough days."

I'm not talking about any particular issue such as depression or weight loss, grief or conflicts with loved ones.  I'm just talking about not feeling good/happy, being able to deal with not feeling right, things going wrong, frustration in general with life.  Last week I skipped blogging because I didn't feel like I was doing a very good job.  Then, I had a couple of bad days where things weren't going my way and I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed with things in my life.

Bad days can causes us to focus on our insecurities, become irritable and unhappy and can derail us from living a positive and productive journey.  Tonight as I sat on the couch perusing a number of things on the internet, it came to me that this is what I should at least touch on.  Write what I am thinking.

The internet has been an incredible gift to me in that I have discovered friends both old and new, activities, positive quotations, motivation and inspiration.  Tonight I was reading some quotes by John Muir and after a week of hiking fairly vigorously. I also looked at tree tattoos.  The hiking, both the action of, and the social aspect I get from my hiking group have made me feel empowered physically and mentally. I have learned to appreciate everything more, and to look at the silver lining inside each cloud.  Sometimes I'm just grateful to the clouds both metaphorical and literal for the shade they provide.  I've done some serious thinking and soul searching.  I've focused on things I'd like to accomplish to improve myself as a person.  For example, I want to be a more positive person, I want to inspire others and make them feel good about themselves, I want to let go of negative opinions, I want to be lovable and I want to be happy and for that to spread to my friends and family.  I want people to know that I care about them and that they matter to me.  I want to be helpful and of service and joy to others. I want to empower people and be the source of a smile.

I keep telling myself, that it's ok to have bad days.  Weather that means you've failed to reach a goal, you've been unproductive or unfair or selfish or just unhappy with your blessings... we all have bad days.  We all make mistakes.  The important thing is that we use those mistakes to learn from.  I decided to  take a break today, where I basically allowed myself to do absolutely nothing productive. I barely have 2000 steps where as I usually have 10-20,000.  I didn't put make up on or even get dressed.  I re-charged.  I browsed pinterest collecting memes that I liked on my motivation board.  I ate some stuff I wouldn't normally eat (without going TOO nuts,) and I thought about the week and the things that frustrated me:  Hormones, exhaustion, frustration over Fitbit's latest update screwing with my life (food-log,) my weight starting to plateau and my noticing the lack of muscle in my body, most of all feeling over booked and overwhelmed. Then, I tried extra hard today to be nicer than usual to my husband. It didn't hurt that I slept in getting over 9 hours sleep was refreshing in itself to say the least.  I made cards for people that I thought would smile when they received them.  I logged everything I ate in a "note" on my phone.  Suddenly the guy that leads the group hosting the class I missed the day before, contacted me to say I'd be able to attend the class in the future at no additional cost (which really made me happy!) Things just started feeling ok, things were better, they started falling into place.  It's like I had healed something inside of me by taking a day to myself and re-focusing without putting any pressure on myself at all, not even pressure to re-focus.  I said nice things to myself  like... "because I'm awesome, that's why." I told myself that I wasn't going to screw anything up by having a couple of rough days.  I'll get past them, get back on track and be stronger than ever.

Sometimes it just takes some quiet time to re focus after relaxing and thinking about goals and objectives.  So if you're going through a rough time, if you're over worked and things aren't going the way you want them to... take a day off from life and just exist in your pjs.  Eat the last of the groceries, no one will die if you don't go to the store this very day.  Enjoy some meaningless chat, read, shop online for crap you like but don't need.  Smile at yourself and remind yourself that you're going to be ok, because you're a badass and even bad-asses need a little down time.  That isn't all that profound or helpful, but at the very least maybe someone will read this and then won't feel like they're the only one that start to lose it from time to time.

How I eat as healthy as I can.

They say diet is 80% and exercise is 20%, I'm no authority but I know that "If you eat what you've always eaten, you'll weigh what you've always weighed." Your diet is important!  Here is my perspective on the food I put in my body.  After all, we have no control over genetics etc... but we do have control over what we put in our mouths.

First let me say, I am  trying to drink more water.  A lot of times we feel hungry when our bodies are dehydrated and that's because your body wants water any way that it can get it.  My goal is 64 oz/day.  That's eight 8oz cups and a pretty standard goal.  It will help you to not feel as hungry.

Speaking of "hungry," in my world there are 2 kinds of "hungry."  One is "mouth hungry," where you aren't actually hungry because your body needs fuel, you just want to eat because it tastes good and satisfies you.  The other is "tummy hungry," which is your body's reaction to the actual need for fuel.  I ignore mouth hunger and chew a piece of gum.  When I am actually hungry for real I make my calories count by eating as many "whole" foods as I can that are high in nutrients and as little processed and junk food as possible.

I use my fitbit to keep track of what I eat, how much and how many calories.  I am talking about the calories I'm taking in compared what I'm burning.  I have a Fitbit Charge 2 and eventually want a Versa so that I can swim with it on, but that will have to come in time as my Charge2 is working just fine for now and my bank account isn't always.

I employ my will to say no several times daily.  I do not eat if I don't know the calories in something.  Sometimes I go to to restaurants with my hiking buddies group and just order a diet soda because I don't know how many calories are in the food and I insist on losing as quickly as is safely possible.  I want to see results!  Most restaurants serve multiple servings on one plate/order and therefore are far more calories than I need, which means that they are far more calories than I want.  I would rather wait until I get home and feel the pride of self control.

 I do however, eat at a few places that I can get the calorie count on certain foods.  For example:  Chick-Fil-a has a char-grilled chicken sandwich and the calories are easily found online in their "nutrition" section of the website.  Smashburger and Wendys have similar menu items that allow me to have a treat now and then if I have worked off enough extra calories for the day.  One thing I do consistently is to carry snacks in the car.  Lara bars, Cliff bars, dried fruits, nuts, pouches of tuna, yogurt in a cooler, fruit, single servings of peanut butter... etc.  are wonderful at not allowing me to have to "grab something" while I'm out.  The trick is to carry snacks that you don't hate, but aren't so good you'll be tempted to over eat them.  Just carry one or two things if you're only going to be gone a few hours to run errands for the day.  

That being said, I honestly don't deprive myself.  I have whatever I want in small amounts, a fun size candy bar or a couple of kisses when I'm craving chocolate, a lunch snack size bag of chips (one serving,) or even some macaroni and cheese (microwave cups are perfect,) peanut butter, bread or pasta in small amounts. I do measure my food, I found that buying some measuring cups at the Dollar Tree and leaving appropriate serving size measures in foods like cereal, nuts/seeds and powdered coffee creamer helps tremendously.  It cuts down on washing them and makes it convenient to not have to go looking for the appropriate size measure.

I try to eat "clean."  For those of you who don't know what that means, it basically means not putting any kind of goop on your food such as sour cream, dressing, gravy, sauces, etc.  It's hard and I don't stick to that 100% of the time, and when I do put "goop" on my food I measure the serving size only and count the calories... all my food goes into my Fitbit, even one single cracker.  The only foods I do not count are:  raw lettuce, raw tomato, raw onion, raw celery, dill pickles, raw broccoli, and other raw vegetables that do not have enough calories that I could possibly go overboard on them.  I do count corn, carrots etc because they have a much higher sugar content/calorie count.
Remember that Whole Foods are best, processed foods have dirty little secrets and sugar causes inflammation.  To be honest, sugar is my biggest downfall.  I am thoroughly addicted to it.  Pastries, candies, all of it and there's one certain week per month it's at it's worst.  I have actually walked 12 miles (walking until midnight) to burn off the calories I ate in chocolate bars earlier in the evening.  I am no quitter.  LOL!

What do I think of diets such as vegan, paleo, keto, south beach, etc?  Well, I was vegan for 2.5 years.  I believe that a whole food plant based diet is the healthiest diet you can possibly have, however... vegan means "no animal products" and is NOT synonymous with healthy.  Oreo cookies, Fruit Loops, & Sour Patch Kids are all vegan foods.  I don't know much about other diets, many of them I believe are gimmicks and work on a temporary basis.  If I was going to pick a program for someone that needed help I would recommend Weight Watchers only because I know so many people who have had success with it. With regard to weight-loss surgery... if that's what you have to do to get healthy and love yourself then do it.  More power to you for recognizing that is what you need to do and getting it done.  Know it's not an easy fix, you still have to work to be healthy.

Sometimes I go over my calories for the day, but you must then remember that no one is perfect, everyone goes a little party animal at times and you should not punish yourself for what you over ate.  Learn from that experience, and try to prevent it from happening too often.  Remember to exercise as a celebration of what your body can do and not a punishment.  If you over eat regularly, you might be trying to cover your feelings and your reasons might be treated best with some professional help.  Many people have found success with controlling their diet through therapy.  ...Just something to consider.

Well, that's all I can think of for right now for this post.  I hope I've possibly inspired or motivated one reader to try to be a healthier, happier person.  Until next week....

Finding Motivation... working the mind (somewhat a continuation from last post)

This blog won't always be about health and fitness, but that's a big part of my life and how I care for the people I love, so often, there will be some talk of my weekly goals and objectives in regard to that.  Hoping that somehow it may have a positive effect on someones life, therefore this is a bit of a continuation from my last post. 

I want to talk about finding motivation and working the mind to get yourself in a place where you can want to make healthy choices and then actually carry through with doing that.  There are several things you can do to try to keep yourself on track and motivated.  here's a few of my strategies:

1. I collect inspirational memes, in Pinterest, and photo albums on my phone, anywhere I can, and review them when you are feeling unmotivated.
2. Watch Netflix or videos downloaded or from YouTube or something that you only watch at the gym or while exercising at home.  (I don't face-time from the gym, but I'm not at all above that... just no one has time to chat with me about random things during the day.)
3. Go with a friend.  (I have no friends to go with... I attempt to make friends there. ...I watch a lot of Netflix & YouTube.  Thank God for wifi.) 
4. Find a fun way to stay active!
5.  Set goals and visualize success.

One: I collect memes on Pinterest and on my phone in "screenshots."  Just the process of looking through them and reading them all is motivating in itself.  I also post a meme every day on my fb and try to make it something that inspires ME, in hopes that if it inspires me, then it might inspire someone else who is looking for motivation and inspiration.  I have a whole Pinterest folder full of different ones I've collected.  Reward yourself with new clothes,
or maybe a bike, a gym membership, a class, a kayak, a night out dancing, a spa treatment or another fun item that will promote your new healthier life.   

     As I ended my walk today (last Wednesday) I was making myself a folder in my phone photos called "reminder." In it I placed 2-3 pictures of me that were unflattering because I was at my fattest, I put a picture of my mother in law with her bald, cancer-fighting head, I put a picture of the people I love who are overweight and I hope to inspire by example, and I put a few pictures of me at my healthy weight the last time I lost this blubber.  
Get yourself a system that works so that see results.  Counting calories and making my calories count works for me... but only as long as I keep doing it.  Obviously I'm going to have to be mindful of my calories for the rest of my life.  

Two:  Find something to look forward to at the gym.  I personally walk daily because if I plan to work too hard then I won't go and honestly walking is better than sitting on the couch.  I watch a Netflix series that I only allow myself to watch at the gym.  I also browse fb, Insta and YouTube... sometimes music videos and sometimes I watch athletes or "people are awesome."  It distracts me from watching the timer on the treadmill.  If you don't have a way to watch something like that maybe you can plug in and watch the tv's mounted at the gym and go at a time that a show you like is on.  Before my tv had the ability to record and my gym had wifi, I always went at 3 to watch Ellen.  

Three:  See if you can find a friend to go with, you'll hold each other accountable and it makes the time pass so much faster when you are able to chat and share weight machines if you use them.  If you can't find a friend to go with and you're outgoing, make a friend at the gym.  I always tell the girl that works the front desk how much I weigh on weigh day and I usually get a high five.  A couple of the trainers know who I am and will give me a thumbs up on their way past etc.  If you do find a friend and they aren't reliable, supportive and/or they cancel on you... don't use it as an excuse not to go... go alone, after all you are doing this for you and YOU are responsible for doing it.  Don't let excuses drag you out of your healthy groove.

Four:  I am going to have to find fun ways to stay active like hiking, kayaking, shooting bows, bicycling, swimming, skating etc and being healthy is worth it, all I have to do is keep my mind on task!  Find what works for you, make it fun and stick to it.  ....make it a habit.  Make yourself proud and  your haters jealous.

Five:  Set goals for yourself... maybe a fun run (most of them have "walkers" as well.)  They start around $25 entrance fee and can be found easily in your area on the internet.  They are always fun to do with a friend!  My daughter knew I was needing something to work for and signed me up for a 5K...  It was just the push I needed and she doesn't understand what a beautiful gift she gave me by doing that. 

You might set a goal that you will be noticeably thinner so you can buy a new summer wardrobe by vacation.  Make sure that your goals are reasonable and not set too far out.  It's hard to stick with a goal that's payoff is a year away.  It's also easier to give up when you are expecting more from yourself than you are capable of, meaning if you are a woman that weighs more than 250 pounds at an average height, don't expect to be at your high school weight in 6 months. Small goals are key.  Then visualize your success!    Studies have shown that people that visualize success actually reach their goals significantly more than people who do not visualize their success.  Think about the last time that you went bathing suit shopping.  For me, it was not a pleasant experience... but I try to focus on how it will feel to go next time, when I have reached my goal. Then there are all the other amazing moments, like when you have to buy new clothes because all your old ones are falling off of you because they are too big, or when you are invited to a party and you are excited to go without wondering what you can wear.  What about the moment that you see your high school reunion is coming up, or going home to visit family and having a friend you haven't seen in ages tell you that you look great and you know it's the truth.

After today I won't be posting a blog until after June 23rd because I'm heading out on vacation.  My next blog won't be about finding the motivation to work out, I promise.  I'll make it about my diet and after that I'll talk more about other issues in my life.  Thanks for reading.