I've had a rough week. I finally and briefly talked to someone I hardly ever get to talk to. She said that we can't talk about our issues because she "is not strong enough." She's working through some stuff and I was thinking that I was going to write a blog post on "how I stay strong" with the hope that maybe it could help her and others...but do I? Am I strong? Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. Plenty of people in my life tell me that they are amazed at how strong I am, especially those who know my past, but sometimes I don't feel strong. I think I'm just like everyone else, we all have good days and bad days. Sometimes I blame my own negative feelings about myself on others, how is that fair!?! Now I am trying to recognize when I'm doing things like this and change my perspective. To realize that I am pretty amazing, and that I am responsible for MY feelings and no one is obligated to make me feel good about myself. No one is even obligated to like me, and no one is going to be liked by everyone, so if someone doesn't like me, that's okay. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with me, it simply means that we weren't meant to be friends. No biggie right? We all get our feelings hurt, but we let go and move on to better things. What's more important is that I am my own friend. Don't be an enemy to yourself, or you're setting yourself up for consistent disappointment.
When asked, how do I stay so strong what would I answer? Well, the first thing that comes to mind is not to dwell on negativity, being positive is a sign of a healthy mind and healthy is strong. Strong people are supposed to be happy and negative people are not happy so step one is to make yourself a more positive person. If you like to think yourself a "realist" instead of a pessimist then try some of the following strategies. Look for a silver lining in every complaint or negative thought that crosses your mind. For example: the other day while hiking I thought, "Gosh this Chapstick with sunscreen leaves an awful taste in my mouth, can't they create one that doesn't do that? I mean we put a man on the moon for heavens sake!" Then I heard myself and thought, "Hey Lady, your lips aren't getting sunburned! Be happy about that!" Secondly, surround yourself with strong people, spend time building friendships with people who are happy. Laugh off the little things and try not to make them into bigger things than they need to be. Let go of things that don't make you smile. Third, let go of the need for control over everything. You should only need to control yourself... self control and the ability to let go of what you shouldn't want to control is strength. Furthermore, convince yourself by both your thoughts and your actions that you are strong. Let your will and determination show that you are strong, not only show others, but also show yourself! Next, exercise to relieve stress and anxiety. Find peace. Sometimes removing yourself from certain situations, in my case, going to a peaceful place in nature helps me refocus on being who I want to be. Another thing to build strength in every aspect of your life is to be healthy... healthy is strong. Strengthen your mind by spending time reading things that motivate and inspire you. Think of (visualize) yourself as strong and let your words and actions reflect that. Try only saying things that reflect your strength and only doing things that make you feel strong. Independent actions, doing something for yourself to improve your self image like taking a class, joining a gym, going to a new "club" or buying yourself something that will motivate you should be done without hesitation, you don't need permission you only need to be considerate to family and housemates. If you are making a choice that makes you feel better about yourself and makes you a better person then your family and friends should be supportive of that decision.
Let go of the need for the approval of others, let go of the need to be with others and to have the love and attention and affection of others. Learn to be independent. This does not mean get a divorce and rent an apartment of your own. I mean that you should be happy spending time with yourself and be okay if your spouse or significant other is having fun doing something without you! Spending time apart allows you something to share when it's time to spend time together, so you don't run out of things to tell each other. Life gets old when all you talk about is responsibilities. Life also gets old if you're constantly needing validation and affection from others. Time alone can be valuable for soul searching and self improvement which leads to a feeling of independence which leads to strength. Things to ask yourself honestly, because let's face it, there's no use arguing about it... this is between you and you only. If you are the best you an be, if you have integrity, if you give up what you want for what's right, you are showing a great deal of strength. If you are working hard to better yourself and reach goals, that is proof of strength.
Lifting others makes you strong just like lifting weights makes your body strong. Letting things go isn't easy, it takes strength of will. Resisting temptation takes strength of will and we are all capable of that strength, it's a matter of how badly we want to be better people. How strong do we want to be? If we are strong we should want goodness and happiness for others. Have faith in karma, let things go. Be kind.
I was insecure for an hour or two yesterday, then I remembered who I am, who I choose to be, who I am working to be. I am working to become someone I can be proud of, someone who is a mature adult and who is strong in all the ways that we all want to be strong. Sometimes it's the mirror that makes us insecure, sometimes it's depression or even someone's flip comment. It can be something you see as a personal failure or even just an empty place where you feel you are lacking something. Insecurity takes hold with a number or triggers. We all measure ourselves against the highest standards, we expect others to see all of our flaws no matter how hidden we try to keep them because we feel bad about them. Our looks, our finances, our friends, our behaviors, our possessions... if we aren't perfect, then we think that we aren't good enough. We are always focused on the flaws. Make this time is different, I choose to change who I am and how I think and therefore how I feel. Mentally and emotionally we all have tough days, but it's how we rise after we fall that shows us who we really are, what we are really made of. That is what we have to either be proud of or embarrassed by, but you have not failed entirely until you have failed to keep trying. For myself, when I do something I might be ashamed of, I try to reconcile it by doing something nice to counteract it. I change my perspective, and then I might send a kind note to someone, text words of encouragement and support. I might make a gift, a baked treat for someone and if necessary, always admit when you're wrong even if it's just to yourself, and find a way to be better next time. Admitting your mistakes shows strength.
Sometimes there are too many days when I feel like I look like an old washed up woman, fat, saggy, wrinkled... like my best days are behind me. I get irritable because I'm tired or hormonal and then I get down on myself because I think, not only am I no longer young and beautiful, but I'm not even fun to be around. There's no amount of makeup or dye or voluminous hair product that will make me younger and no amount of money or diet food that will make me happier and more fun to be around. ... that's all on me. I'm responsible for my actions. I'm the master of my life. I'm in charge of the person that I choose to be.There are days when my hormones take over and I regress to a teenage drama queen in my mind and I have to "get a grip" on myself so to speak. I've come home crying from many an event feeling like I was ridiculed silently by friends or family because I talk to much, or I'm redundant, I feel dorky and unwanted and unappreciated and unloved. I feel I've embarrassed myself and the wallowing begins. Time for an old fashioned pity party and self loathing session. Those are the days my husband, who is my biggest fan and truly my best friend says to me, "Fuck 'em." Really all we should expect of ourselves is what we expect from others and that is that they try their best to be the best they can be. If they, our loved ones, have flaws, we overlook them because we love so much more about them. What we regret to remember is that they do the same for us... and if they don't, ...then "fuck 'em." We need to pull ourselves out of the self loathing pity parties and instead of focusing on all that we aren't... we should be focusing on all that we are and all that we have to give.
When you do something right... give yourself an "atta girl," pat yourself metaphorically on the back and smile at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "you did something right! Good for you!" After all, our own approval, truly, is sometimes the hardest to get.
The bottom line is that we should all work to improve ourselves by overcoming our insecurities and strengthening our positive qualities so that we have the very best of ourselves to give to others. Be kind to others and to yourself, be your own friend and love yourself... it will make you feel like a superhero!
